Dear Mom,

I am loosing my head right now with so many thoughts. How incredibly grateful I am that I am traveling and experiencing different cultures and lives, and having conversations with people from all over the world who are like minded. And most importantly, together with other travelers, I am learning what is important in life. And how badly we are fucking that up because of money and consumerism and power and this illusion of what we need to be happy is just so wrong Mom. It kills me to think of what we are doing to people in other countries to satisfy our materialistic needs. But being that regarding my family, hands down, it’s  my natural instinct to want to protect you. And I’m seeing the direct effect on my own family and friends and neighbors…. Mom you are the closest thing to my heart, I love you so much. What I want, more than anything in my life, is for you to be happy. 

I see things, like feeling the need to be what we are taught is beautiful, or wealthy or strong get in the way of that sometimes.

Then traveling and learning the true meaning of what we need, and how our idea of what we need in the USA is absolutely ludicrous… Mom it makes me sad to see us living in such a large house, it makes me sad that we have such full and large closets, it makes me sad that we watch tv and news. That we are obsessed with politics and fashion and food that consume our life. I think we would be so much happier in a smaller home, with only a few cloths, no beauty products, eating what we grow which would mostly be vegetables, and what ever our neighbors or other sustainable farmers were growing.

Use cloths for what we need them for not for how they are branded or what’s in style, or even to impress others. Mom I’m so sad for the life and social circle that made me believe that I always needed more. I always needed a better job, always needed more money, always needed a higher degree in education, a larger plate of food, a nicer pair of shoes…. a bigger television. Its making us sad because is never enough, and these things are not what are going to make us happy.

You are the most important thing in the world to me Mom, and Sara and my brothers and my family and Shanaynay and Kennedy. And if I can convince at all that we don’t need products, and big houses, and space, and technology to make us happy… It’s really you guys, and the connection that we have, and our ability to depend on each other that makes us happy and content in life….. I wouldn’t be so sad to think about these things. We bomb civilizations but we’re terrified of terrorists. Suicide is killing more people than war. If there is profit then almost anything is okay, and we are tricked as consumers to buy from companies that are maintaining poverty and death and it’s so messed up….

Mom I’m so sad for the world and how we don’t know that buying and following lifestyles like this is maintaining the destruction of our own self worth. Being okay with this lifestyle is making us sad, and we think it’s because we want more. I want less Mom. I don’t want donations to travel the world, I want donations of love and respect for humanity. We have such power to give that to each other.. but it’s always been more important to please ourselves with what we are told are pleasing things. Looking good living large, it’s destroying our hearts….. Mom I love you so much. Can we please work on just trying to need a little less. And be grateful for what we have. I think we will be happy that way.

Talking to my mother,

talking to her about consumerism. Which is something that I feel has consumed a large part of her life… it makes me feel she doesn’t support what I believe in… she says live your life but don’t try to tell people how to live theirs. But isn’t that how she’s been living her life? From what society has been telling her is a good life. That’s how she wants to live. I’m happy with what ever makes her happy, but I’m convinced most of it is an illusion and a trick… 

I don’t feel what I thought was her unconditional support… 

She stopped smoking cigarettes because I told her I don’t want her to die. Why can’t she give up buying name brand cloths and beauty products because I want her to be more happy? 

I’m glad I didn’t send her that first message, I don’t want to make her sad about these decisions, I just want her to think more about them, and maybe live a happier life because maybe she can realize the same thing I have..

Message to Carlos

Who happened to ask me how I am in the midst of not being able to get a hold of my family….

I am loosing my head right now…

With this whole humanity idea and how awful we are treating the world for what we think we need, and how we always need more…. and how depressed we are as society because we never have enough.

And politics and war and companies and money… it’s just so wrong. All of it.

I know all this.. but I just spent 3 hours bouncing around from topic to topic and it’s just so overwhelming what we have done to each other as a society, what we have been taught is okay, and what we are teaching people is good for us and how we always need more…

Right now I’m feeling so grateful for this experience that I’ve had traveling and learning what I need in life, what I need to live. But I’m so sad that I grew up thinking so differently. And my family and friends who mean the world to me… are living consumerist lives, fighting everyday for more…. we don’t need more Carlos… we need each other. We will get through whatever with that, because that’s what is important, is people. Human life is more valuable than anything, but we don’t get that. We put thousands of people in war knowing they will die, in order to protect money. We tell people to eat meat that is giving people diseases and poisoning land, to make money. We buy brand new cloths every week from countries that put people in collapsing buildings with serious health risks and hardly enough to survive.. so rich people can get richer…..

I’m so heartened to meet so many people that have realized this, and are making steps and talking about it. But I’m still so sad to continue witnessing this process….

To know I’ve been apart of this process

The whole world, every person in this world is so beautiful, and we have so much to offer each other…. but we just don’t on so many levels in which we can…. 

I know all of this, it’s just learning more and more, talking about it is so important… but it’s just too much corruption to comprehend that we are capable and have been doing for so long…

There’s just too much I want to do, like right now this second. But when do I start Carlos? How to I even manage to get a grip on how awful we are treating each other with this made up ideas of beauty and materialism and money??

My message to my sister after talking to my mom…

I’m so upset with society, and how I was taught things are important growing up… but I feel bad talking to my mom about it. I want so much to share what I’ve learned traveling and it’s hard not to talk to her about it when she so strongly supports this kind of lifestyle I’ve found myself to be so against….

I’m having a hard time because I want so badly to talk to her about it. But she doesn’t want to…. and it makes me sad because so many points I’ve seen her so sad that we didn’t have enough, can’t afford this or that. But we can’t have this conversation that has become so important to me…. the message that I want so badly. To spread awareness about a topic that I can’t even have a conversation with my own mother about… I shouldn’t be so upset, but her happiness and my family and friends happiness is so important. I’m not trying to say how to live your life but I just want to talk about some alternatives and the idea of changing, and not supporting this society that WE KNOW is making us sad and depressed.

I just want to talk about it. Change is the next level and that is your choice… but isn’t happiness and contentment what we all are working so hard to get? It’s hard for me sometimes to be on such a different level of how I want to live my life, and to have a conversation about happiness with people who are so oppositely living their life…

I knowww I was just so upset about shit today there’s certain things I’m just so fed up with. Falling into societal trap. For example, from the time we are young children, we get the idea that we always need more and better. Constantly buying beauty products and new cloths…. just makes me sad that we are supporting big businesses that maintain such awful business practices, sustaining poverty and this huge growing epidemic of depression.

I wanted it to be a conversation about this, but I feel she felt the need to defend her need to buy things, like what I was saying isn’t necessary. I don’t think anyone is in the wrong. I just was hoping to shed some light on the whole process of consumerism….. and what I believe to be a great movement of minimalism as a powerful way to fight this big businesses and do what’s right for the environment and humanity etc. 

Not saying to change lives but be more aware….. I know we are very fixed in our ways.

I’m absolutely disgusted in the meat and dairy industry but I can not avoid eating it. As bad as I know it is I still eat it. So I understand the difficulty of change. 

Just like I’m sure in many ways I would look like a hypocrite because I like all my shit from Asia cuz it’s cheap as hell…. food stuff electronics etc….  even though I know I’m supporting super low wages and bad working conditions when I buy that stuff….

I know I’m saying a lot. Just totally worked myself up this morning. 

I must be on a roll because last night I was ranting and raving to this 18 year old girl and a group of guys how important condoms are lmao

I just think this shit is so important to at least have conversations about weather you agree or disagree. 

I just see it as such a huge issue in all of our lives. All over the world. On so many different levels. Maybe we are just one person, but I think we can feel better about what we have if we make more conscious decisions of what we buy with our money, getting it in the right pockets can be very hard. But we can work toward that and make a huge difference if we could figure out how to.

I love traveling because I am having these conversations in every country… and it’s so hard to stop talking about and not get emotionally wrapped up in these conversations…. so hard not to. 

But my family and friends are the ones I really want to be having these conversations with…. but it’s just not the same.. I think how can you NOT feel a need to talk about this… but when the conversation comes up, it’s easier to defend your lifestyle than to accept you’ve been exploited…

I’m just so bothered by these ideas today…   the history of it and it’s pattern…. just absolutely tears my heart apart.

And I hope to be a community example where ever I end up… with my home and ways of living I very very much hope to show people how it’s possible. Right now I’m still going through a big learning process of what is important and ways to make lives better around the world as a large supportive humanitarian community..

The take home message at the end of the day. With no more energy or brain power to continue. 

I messaged my best friend. And I hope to give this same message to all my family, but she provokes this side of me and feel constant need to express my gratefulness for our friendship and everything we have been through. 

Shanaynay I love you for always loving me as a person, even though you have come to know every angle of my personality (the good, the bad, and the ugly). All the way out here I feel like I am so lucky to have a friend like you who supports me so much. I love you and Kennedy so god damn fricking much.

I been ranting all morning and been working myself up so much about problems with the world and society and politics and war. I’m mentally drained… but feeling your love and support gets me through everyday. Knowing you guys are my family and knowing no matter what I have the most incredible beautiful life with you two in it.


Then I was happy to see this.

And then right after followed this video…. which really brought me back down to earth again. 

Carly, why oh why do you forget these oh so important life lessons sometimes ?

And then it all always comes down to this..

Message to Tanya (my Step Mom, a message i actually did send.)

Tanya I know I’ve said this  before.. but I am so grateful to have had you as such an inspiration to my life. You gave me courage to write and to travel, you taught me by your own example. And now that I’m traveling I realize what is important to me in my life. What I need to be happy is so far from what other people have taught me and showed me with their examples of leading happier lives, over and over again.

Looking at your life and how important family and friends are to you, I know that is what is important. Supporting each other, people make each other happy not things.. Politics are fucked up, governments are corrupt, and big businesses destroy. We as people are casualties of all this money and power. And there is almost no consequence for this… it’s so sad to think about my life and what I thought was important, how I thought I needed a full closet and style and beauty products and acne treatment, and a huge plate of food with whatever I saw on a commercial. Taught and tricked to crave things I don’t need…

I love you and I love our family so incredibly much. I’m so proud to come from a family that makes our own food and even gives it away, to have a little brother that is a vegetarian and doesn’t get bothered by the reaction of other people when they say he needs to eat meat, because he knows he doesn’t. To have another brother that doesn’t get fooled by politics, because there is always more levels of thinking that he has incredibly been able to grasp and educate HIMSELF on. To have a father that won’t stop working because he loves his family and that’s how he shows it. And a Step Mother that doesn’t give a shit about stupid things… and works day and night mentally and physically to teach what is important and to enjoy and love life….. I love you all so much